Dealing with the two headed dragon, Conflict and Shame!
Discuss a time you had an emotional conflict with someone. What was it about? What happened?
This is a hard question to answer, or more so it is hard to choose just one incident. Emotional conflicts happen very often in our lives/society, I wouldn't say necessarily on a daily basis but just about. Whether they are very large or very small, emotional conflicts do happen a lot. Usually they are with the people that you value the most or are around the most. An emotional conflict that I have had recently was with one of my best-friends and old boss Pat. At the beginning of the summer I had said that I would like to work for his company throughout September. When I was accepted into DBC I told him that I would have to cut back on some hours from work but that I would try and work throughout September when I initially told him I would work until. In early July Pat left the remainder of the project up to myself and one other co-worker so he could continue work on his own personal home. The project we were working on was a 60 mile daily drive each way and required a 12 hour work day. Myself and the other co-worker felt like Pat had somewhat abandoned us out there but we continued working over 60 hours a week. Once DBC started I realized that I could no longer work this much as well as get through the curriculum and learn the material. I asked Pat if I could cut my hours to about 45 hours a week and he said that it was fine. Even with the cut in hours I was still struggling to keep up with my DBC work. In early August I told Pat that I was giving him my two week notice as I needed to focus whole-heartedly on my DBC work. Pat did not take this well and tried to make me feel like I am leaving him out to dry. We exchanged words on the phone in a somewhat angry manner and he did not want to work with me at all on the subject. He tried to make me feel very guilty and like I am letting him down. After a long conversation we got off the phone, both of us pretty sour towards the other.
What was the source of the conflict?
The source of the conflict was that Pat had put all his eggs in one basket leaving myself and my co-worker with way to big of a project. Even after we recommended to him that he hire some more employee's and come back out to help us himself he did not want to. When I told him that I would have to leave a few weeks earlier than planned he was not prepared for this. Pat did not like to make the 3 hr drive each day and wanted to work on his own home for obvious reasons and because he had not planned ahead he had not plan for if myself or the other worker suddenly could not work anymore.
How did you handle that conflict?
In the beginning I tried very hard to handle the conflict through: collaboration and compromising. I told Pat how important that DBC was to me and that I needed more time to focus on it but that I will work the entire two weeks that I have remaining and even had ideas for potential employees. Pat continued to guilt-trip me about our friendship and how much this was 'screwing him' because of his lack of preparation. Towards the end I think we both started to get to personal in the situation and started bringing our friendship into the equation. So to sum it up I think I began to handle the conflict fairly well and adult-like, by the end we both began handling it very immaturely.
Did your actions make the conflict better or worse?
My actions definitely made the conflict worse because I was very stubborn with the issue at hand and did not want to lose any ground. Pat is the boss of his company and deals with situations like this very often, so I knew he had a very good idea of how to own the situation. Because of this I felt like I had to be excessively stern on the issue and let him know that it was not an option but a must do thing for me. I do feel like in the end he made things much worse because he had a sarcastic attitude towards our friendship during the conversation and this really upset me.
If you could go back, what would you do differently, if anything?
If I could go back I would of just approached the situation a little bit more calmly and let him know I was serious but without being as stern. Because Pat is the boss of the company he does not like when other's tell him 'how it is going to be' or 'what is going to happen'. I guess I could of tried to approach the situation more as a question instead of a decision that I had already made, but I am not sure if I would of been able to get my point accross otherwise.
What did you learn from this experience?
Overall, I think I learned a lot form this experience. When we got off the phone on our initial phone call I said that I was not his friend anymore and was so angry I did not want to even go back to work for the two weeks. I was mostly angry because of how Pat belittled our friendship during the conversation and tried to bully me into feeling bad and staying at work. I think the main lesson that I learned is that it is very difficult to work for your friends. Working 'with' your friends is a different situation that working 'for' your friends. When it comes to being an employee or having employee's, things can happen all of the time that can change the employment situation. Having a friend as an employee or boss can affect your friendship if something is to come up and things change. This was the only time Pat and I ever had an issue with this and we made up later that same day. We were able to compromise and work together to find a solution and we are still best-friends today.